Thinking, thinking, always thinking....
'Me' and my exhausting ADD brain
At a certain point, it just doesn't work anymore, it seems like my head is full. New information, words, phrases, they seem to bounce off my cerebral cortex, sometimes I seem to be able to physically feel it. My brain no longer processes anything, there seems to be a kind of void. A screaming all-consuming the silence. No this is not inner peace, rather an inner meltdown. Escape seems to be the only way for me.
Recognisable? The overstimulation of my brain is the one thing I have the least control over. Sometimes I can think like a jet fighter, what say I, can think at intergalactic speed where 'The Enterprise' falls into insignificance. At other times, a bovine, embarking on its fifth ruminating session of the day, can process information even faster than my brain. That thing in my cranium, my brain, never seems to reach a steady state.
No idea how this works for others, but I am a thinker. An analyst without a thesis, a philosopher without a clear problem, a scientist without a field of study. I think about and about everything, sometimes simultaneously, other times incessantly. Nothing is isolated and everything is connected. Extremely fascinating, complex, challenging and often deadly exhausting, if I do say so myself. Tiring because sometimes it doesn't seem to stop and because it is also very much about myself. My 'I' is an all-too-common topic in my thinking sessions. The doubt and uncertainty is deep within me, resulting in dejected and depressed moods. Perhaps this is just in me, but more likely it is also because things have gone completely wrong just a little too often. Failure gets into your bones after a while and it is hard to walk out.
But all that crazy thinking also brings me a lot of good. It feeds my creativity, my capacity for the finding solutions and answers. I don't impose limits on myself. I fantasise and dream of lives and worlds I would like to see or create. I also always see humour everywhere. I can switch between serious ideas and idle chatter within a beat. You can always have a conversation with me, I talk about everything, after all, I have thought about everything. I am only now beginning to appreciate these valuable qualities.
Yes I am overweight, have screwed up my education, have given up on getting a driver's licence, have addictions that seem incurable and roam from room to room because I cannot afford a flat. And no, I am far from accepting all that. It's hard and sucks because I take that damn backpack everywhere I go. But I've found my way, a profession that I have fun in, that I'm good at, where I can get into my hyper-focus in the blink of an eye. I am patient, precise, even perfectionist in it. It makes me happy, it gives me hope and a future. The social way is not for everyone (way). However, there is always a way, I continue to believe, always, forever and ever!
Very recognisable. I am also always thinking. One time my mind is in Brazil, so to speak, and the second after that I'm sitting at the president's table talking about housing shortage. It doesn't make any sense. I also make very impulsive life decisions but fortunately I always land on my feet. I think I have a little angel on my shoulder. That angel could be something along the lines of Mother Nature. What helps me a lot is eating healthy food (homemade vegetable juice) although I find it very hard to keep up because I am so chaotic in my head. It's only 5 min of work but with a lot of thoughts in your head, it feels like 2 hours. Good luck, you are not alone.
I look at my coach as if he were speaking Chinese, at least a language I don't speak. Many thoughts and I cannot choose one to give a good answer. Bummer, just got a new job after spending 11 years at home with the children (I couldn't cope with a full-time job ánd the home front (housework and parenting as well as being social) and after 2 years I opted for the children). Still, I went back on medication, methylphenidate and I can concentrate much better. My perfectionism does come into play now. I still want so much and not just to have plans in my head but to actually carry them out and finish them!
Wow everything is falling into place now!
Newly diagnosed with ADD. What a relief!!!
I have always been labelled quiet, weird, perfectionist and chatterbox. I never understood the quiet one. My stream of thoughts don't stop for a second, why quiet? !!!!! If only it were so I think.
Always in dialogue with myself. Sleep is often difficult because I cannot stop thinking.
The school system was not for me. In primary school, I was lucky to be in a Montessori school. Working at my own pace was ideal for me. I did my work independently when I was ready. I was a year ahead in language, but a year behind in maths.
In high school and college, I found it difficult to stay on task. Understanding why a teacher tells me exactly what is in a book I can read myself I did not understand. Working in groups was also not my thing. As a result, I often did not show up but got good grades. I would often procrastinate, be late or not on time when handing in papers, or be extremely driven and perfectionist when working and not knowing when to stop (hyperfocus).
At work, things went well. People see me as a go-getter and perfectionist. I am constantly on the move to the point of compulsion. A lot of freedom, but still structured and never the same. So boredom is out of the question. Keeping appointments (often forgotten) and arriving on time is still difficult. Processing the many stimuli or unexpected turns is also slower and more difficult. At the moment, I am stuck and on sick leave. Fortunately, I am getting all the help I can from psychologists.
Very recognisable, what is your profession anyway?
Annoying that you have now ended up on sick leave (because of work?).
Yippiejahee! What I've never managed to do before, you pull off like that!
My active brain often works so fast that when people ask me "what are you thinking about?" that I just choose the path of least resistance and say "oh, about nothing in particular".
You start a conversation with me about car driving lessons and in no time the conversation has turned and we are talking about a holiday, ten years ago where we ended up in a ditch by bike. Funny, yes, but not always.
I have a fine job where my creative brain can be put to good use just the same.
In my relationship, things are not always easy. In terms of raising the children, it is not ideal either. A reward system, for instance, does not work, because mum forgets to buy the stickers, forgets to stick to the agreements made and, with a bit of bad luck, she throws away the reward card in a tidying up mood (which, by the way, happens so seldom that I am already happy áf I have got one of those worker bee stings).
Anyway.... I am currently in another phase of being stuck in all areas (except work, because that is my hyper-focus).
What do I want? I can't even tell you. My brain does, by the way, but it moves so fast that I don't even get a chance to voice my thought.
Really very recognisable. Did some counselling the other day for my coach (who is giving me some guidance, because I've only known for 5 months that I'm ADD wrote down) 5-minute thought to show how it is in my head. He was amazed when he read the 8-sided 'off the cuff thoughts'. But for me, the only way to make it clear and visible. I work as a nurse in a hospital on a hectic ward. It is deadly tiring and sometimes very difficult. But I get a lot of support from my colleagues and I wouldn't miss the job for anything. And strangely enough, I feel that no matter how much energy it takes, the hectic nature of my work suits the chaos in my head. A structured job wouldn't suit me. I would get bored and dull. Sometimes you can actually see the chaos inside you as your strength. I certainly try to do this and it is far from easy. But in this case, I won't let my ADD lead me but my ADD lead itself. It is still a quest but I know I can do it.
So recognisable! I work as a nurse in psychiatry.... I was told from high school onwards that I wouldn't be able to handle the training... look at me now!!! And the chaos, irregularity etc I wouldn't be able to either... well that irregularity is my structure!!! Going super... recently had surgery, now things are going wrong... Don't sleep well, sometimes not for nights... resulting in: searching, restless. Chaos, cleaning frenzy or something like that... but in 10 places at once... everything has to be ready so that I can have peace in my head again... and all the thoughts that I can normally have go in all directions! So irritating.
Very recognisable, and so I get very curious what profession you have now. What is it?
Vg marco
How recognisable... I too think 24 hours a day, with some activities I even have the fixed thoughts. For example, when I pick up a paintbrush to start painting, my thoughts automatically wander to my uncle and his family. I have ADHD and that H causes me to express all my thoughts as well. All my life I have thought that everyone thinks 24 hours a day, until my husband told me that he often just doesn't think at all. Stunned, I was and also a little jealous, how I would love to have that peace of mind once in a while. Fortunately, with my medication, my head is a little quieter, just cozy busy ;-)
Recognisable! That brain of mine never stands still either. I see everything, hear (almost) everything and am always alert. Very irritating when you then work with several people in a room working with other people... (physiotherapist). I think this is why I also turned myself upside down in 2012 and ended up with burnout in 2013, and halfway through that year I was diagnosed with ADD. Now things need to start changing, busy with reintegration. But yes I love being a physio, helping people and being creative.... Anyway that will work out.
So recognisable, always busy in my head. Sometimes very pleasant, but often very tiring.
Now that I am searching with my own daughter what is wrong with her, I am finding out more and more that I have add.
Great to read a lot on this site!!! Thanks for this!
Haha, very recognisable. I often compare my brain to a computer that has no antivirus scanner :)
Eventually it gets stuck and then you have to find that reset button. Easier, then, is often to take a different route. Never works and your workload becomes less and less, because you are performing on your reserve every time. I finally got a degree at 28, after 4 (totally) different courses. But now I'm not very easy-going physically either (bit of a loose-limbed type), so now I have a degree in a profession in which I can use my jack-of-all-trades, but no job, because (besides the fact that it's hard to find a job at all) most employers prefer an employee who is more physically taxable to the body I come to present myself in ;) Then, of course, it's also going to become a vicious circle. But it saves a lot that I know what causes it. It does make it a lot more relatable.
Beautifully described :)
Of course, as an ADDer, I totally recognise this! I myself have trained myself to keep an eye on my stimulus level so that I can feel it when I am near my limit (which I still don't always manage to do, mind you).
How I did that?
I think I owe this mainly to my high sensitivity. I am more sensitive to moods and stimuli than most AD(H)D'ers I know, but my high sensitivity also somehow allows me to get a better grip on them.
I work a lot with chakra energy and visualisation. This makes me protect myself a little better from stimuli and almost completely from getting other people's energy and emotions in. By starting to pay attention to my body and my stimulus processing, I have slowly started to be able to feel what it is like for me to have this. I started to really think about 'how many stimuli am I getting in right now?', 'How does this feel?' Yesterday was just as busy, but then I was more tired (or less so), is it different now?'
That takes a bit of practice, especially if you have to function in a high-pressure environment as well... but in the long run, it really does pay off!
If you want to know more about the visualisations I apply, we can get in touch hear, and I will go into more detail :)
Hello alana,
I very much recognise myself in the bit where you talk about taking over energy/emotion from others. I didn't know how it could be or how to stop it, still don't, mind you.
But still I don't feel high-sensitivity to be.
I would like to know more:)
hi Romalia,
do you perhaps have facebook? If you type in Alana Vos, you should be able to find me I think....
Well described, only it is so difficult, to write a comprehensive piece on how an add'er experiences his own brain. This is indeed it in broad terms. I myself have always found sales to be fine, a challenge because there are no limits outside politeness and is doable without training, with commitment you do work yourself up. In social life I like to keep it small, large groups make me insecure and with many friends I lose the overview, this asks too much of me. My empathy never had limits either, I can understand or empathise with everyone but in doing so I quickly passed myself by, indicating limits was and is a learning curve. Furthermore, colours have a strong effect, dark colours make me gloomy and light colours make me happy and make me feel free... just some info for those who are discovering themselves as add'er.
When I put classical music on, it goes well, not all of it. And having a to-do list and always cheering yourself up on what is going well also helps me. And I want to read Weston Price. And on youtube it says The myth of autism. For me, Ortholon Prodopaop advice natural medication works and only a coffee in the morning. gr ellen
True, I have too. We have a dark rug now and it makes me feel gloomy. We used to have a light blue rug and felt really optimistic then. How wonderful it seems to me not to have this. The world is hard enough as it is.
What recognition! Well written!!!
Thankfully, I have it all together, nice relationship, job and lovely children. But what a clarification when the well-known stamp came, everything fell into place....
Beautifully written and very recognisable! ! !
However, finding the right profession and sticking with it has not yet succeeded for me.
Any tips or tricks? Any recruiters regarding unskilled Add's?
Well, there is no answer to that, I'm afraid. I have only come to understand why courses I chose were doomed to fail (I want to write something else about this soon), I stupidly chose professions that had nothing to do with my talents and strengths.
I was 27, had quit my education after eight years of study (my 3rd) and it was pretty much over. What should I do now was the question? I had no papers, no work experience. Smart I am, but without a degree you don't start much.
I came to the conclusion that working in a shop might suit me. So I started looking for work in a shop. By dumb luck, I ended up in photography and everything seemed to fall into place. I am now working as a self-taught photographer and working in a shop. The combination of contact with people, creativity, doing my own thing and being able to develop in complete freedom appears to be the right recipe for me (so far).
Maybe sometimes you feel you have to take a step (or two) back before you can move forward again. Accept that joining the rat race, and all those demands and values of society are not entirely up to you. Accept first what you can do and build on that (boy, that I am writing this down now).
You won't get much out of it, but that's pretty much how it went for me.
I don't know if this works for you. For me, it is improving step by step. No sugar but the real Stevia. No gluten. Bioresonance and qwantum touch. And a workshop for hsp at the art of living. And I follow the site nutrition is health. I have natural medication and get to work nicely at a care farm with horses. Those are also hsp but in the now nice that photography.
And another soleum oil from wrap fairy and an earth sheet to ground well. That oil to shut you off a bit from the energy around you. ADHD doesn't exist, it's all hsp. Greetings ellen
Very familiar, I myself started working behind the bar after training 2 failed.
I am now a cocktail bartender in one of the top bars in the Netherlands and I must say I couldn't have found a better job. It is great, lots of contact with people, and since you work with people who all have the same problem, it is also incredibly educational.
I hope this is of some use to you!