The older, the crazier | Fifty-something and ADHD!
ADHD in adults
Being over fifty and then being diagnosed with ADHD. Well, what does that do to you?
Not too long ago, someone asked me if I had ever been tested for ADHD. ADHD? Isn't that something for kids who are Very Busy Every Day? Those bouncing balls that have a hard time at school? As a child, I was quiet, shy, withdrawn, a daydreamer, had few friends, an outsider. One with lots of imagination and a short-tempered nature, that is. A messy ass: ?Just as well your rump is attached to you, otherwise you would lose that too!? and a tin pan: ?so hot and so cold again!?, a ?herb-roer-me-not?
Growing up, I often wondered why I had so much trouble finishing something. So many half jumpers and unfinished crafts, because yes, another pattern and another colour was always prettier. When painting the house, the paint was no longer available in the shop, while there was still a whole section of wall and ceiling left. I revived my own blog several times, only for it to quietly bleed to death again after a few stories. My own business keeps playing in my head.
And I really do see the point of tidying up, but I've always hated cupboards. No matter how ?neatly' I try to arrange them, something invariably falls out. I have a lot of trouble throwing things out and tidying up usually means moving them around, in a frantic attempt to keep some order.
A few years ago, I discovered that I visual thinker was, scenariodenker actually. So that's why people didn't understand me when I tried to tell them something and why my head was so crowded. I read that visual thinkers see lots of pictures at the same time and have to convert them all into information. Scenario thinkers are always a few steps ahead of others with their thoughts. My head is always full. I often feel rushed and restless, because there is still so much interesting to do and the clock of life is ticking relentlessly. But just as often I catch myself hanging out in the sofa doing nothing. Just because I don't know what to do first.
A test at work showed that I was a pioneer, someone who liked doing new things and struggled to keep up routine chores. And indeed, I struggled with long-term projects, needed deadlines, was an odd duck to policy staff, tried to avoid meetings or, with an excuse, leave early. But if there was a job I really liked, I had no problem working on it late into the night at home.
Then I became unemployed and my career coach told me I was struggling to focus, frame and prioritise. My children were growing up into adolescents and social workers caught me failing to give them structure, consistency and boundaries. I was losing control of my family, of my life. My mood swings prompted a psychological assessment and voila: diagnosis ADHD - C, (combined type).
I don't experience the diagnosis as an illness, but a lot of quarters are falling. Since the end of last year, I have been taking medication (ritalin). I feel calmer, more cheerful and my tantrums have decreased. I do not (yet) notice any effect on concentration. Last week I started a course in ADHD for Adults. What will it bring me? I have no illusions that I will ever be able to control the chaos and I know I don't want to. That chaos is part of me, structure and routine scare me. But now that I know a bit more about ADHD, I can at least do something to make the lives of those around me a bit more ?bearable?
Alie Engelsman
Wow so recognisable, I'm 51 now and finally starting to understand myself
hey Mario,
i read your story and i could have written it... i'm in the middle of it... been dabbling for many years and knowing adhd add since 3years. see your post is from 2017. am actually curious to know where you are now and know how i can get off that terrible speeding train... just can't get a grip on my situation which is destroying everything.. hope you have found peace.... Marco
So terribly recognisable....a mn 50years
Hello,
I was recently psychologically tested for ADD/ADHD . It turns out I have a combination of them. On one hand, I am very happy that there are many people with the same problems I have after all. I have spent years thinking about why my life is a mess. Why I have no desire or strength to complete my daily tasks. Why I didn't learn things in school that had to, and not just a subject I like ( which I then scored insanely well on, by the way). Difficulty working for someone. Wandering too long in fantasy. Wandering from a supermarket to a Sahara within a minute in my mind. Staring 15 minutes in front of me while showering. Thinking too easily about things. I'm about 40,000 euros in debt, and I don't give a damn !!! Totally no emotion with it, my friends stress about it more than me!!! Haha, always staying positive anyway. But sometimes you lose it. I would like to change my life. I used Ritalin , for some reason it just makes me very hyper. A lot of concentration is a positive thing though. I think there are a lot of advantages to ADD. I often read that ADDs are creative, and when they want something, they do it well. I myself have a huge talent for music. Because of my rich imagination, I can write and play beautiful songs. I'm also good at odd jobs, well, anything I like.
Greetings,
Mario
Nice story, hopefully the course will add value.
Nice blog, clear and structured!
Persistence, I feel, is always a tricky thing. I am learning more and more that looking at each day afresh and planning small steps gives me overview and more balance.
For me, persistence is always something like an excitement spring, which at some point loosens and then LOSES everything, so from overly tightly regulated, planned to loose and almost indifferent, until the spiral slowly rewinds. My challenge now is balance and looking smaller. Is that also recognisable?
By the way, no ADHD in me, does run in the family....(little son, brother...) But hsp is on my mind.....
BLOG about it tzt, :-)
Very recognisable Alie - don't know what the content of your course is... I got something out of it. I got more out of the Goals group they offered here at the ggd. One morning every fortnight and then making small plans, steps forward. Appointments with yourself - and especially learning that you don't do things "for a while". Will you ever get rid of it completely... no - but you do learn to adapt better and better. Socially adapted ADHD-er someone once called it. And along the way, you learn to spot your pitfalls earlier and earlier in time. Besides, ADHD-ers are just very sociable people with a very creative mind. And there is nothing wrong with that either ;)
Anne-Marie, I'll blog about it in due course, about the effect of the course. ;-) It's mainly about planning and organising, notebooks, diary keeping. Right now I'm still like 'I know all that, but I keep it up so badly'. The course is about encouraging each other to stick to it, so that it becomes automatic. I am very curious to see whether that will work.
Didn't the guy who invented ADHD admit this (just) before he died?
The question remains, "What is NORMAL?"
Why want to put a label on everyone... and fill them up with drugs?
Is this really necessary I wonder then?
So don't talk to people ... I'm busy NOW WHAT? Always busy with several things .... I don't like stupid boring production work either (and so haven't been able to keep it up, it drove me crazy-now another job) and so what? Should you then start stuffing someone with Ritalin and pushing them in line ...
You can damn**** stick a label on everyone .... and people no longer look at the diversity among people ... no everything has to become a grey uniformity sausage ... otherwise you are not 'normal'
I happen to like myself.
Hi Butterfly,
Whether ADHD really exists or not is not something I want to discuss. I like to leave that to others.
I certainly don't feel labelled, because I don't like labelling either. And I totally agree with you: diversity among people makes the world so much more beautiful.
I didn't want to go on medication either (although I have been taking valerian and so on for a long time), but I am not just dealing with myself. My kids suffered from my mood swings and tantrums. The fact that these drugs have a good effect on that is the reason for me to use them anyway. I have been living with chaos in my head and around me for more than 50 years and sometimes that makes me feel happy, other times it irritates me. But I am who I am and most of the time, I happen to like myself and I would add: it's not an excuse, it's a way of life.
Beautifully said! :D
Thought for a moment the blog was about me, so recognisable.
I am 36 and was diagnosed with add last year after much research and testing. What a rip-off that was.
Now have medication first had methlphenidate which did not work well, and now on dexamphetamine which work well
have peace in me head structure at home. Lovely.
Hi may I ask how many mg of dex are you taking?
Greetings Evelien van Garderen
What a recognisable story.I am curious, though, whether the course will add value.
Boy another story about ad(h)d with a lot of recognition and also not. Why does it remain so difficult.
I was labelled a strange and difficult child. People said I looked like my father, I was just like "one", so my mother had to be strict with me or nothing would come of me. I hung hugely on my mother's skirts, tantrums and rages were many. Once in puberty, that anger went away and (I think now) settled in. At that time, my mother often shouted that my room was a mess and that it would never work out that way with me, so yes, I was a mess at that time, but was that adhd or just puberty? I don't really remember being quiet, shy, withdrawn or a daydreamer. I grew up in a small Frisian village, where everyone more or less knew each other, so children played with each other in the schoolyard, I had a number of girlfriends, always the same ones, and also played with the children in the street. I was an outsider, but was that because of my adhd or character or because of the situation in which I grew up, with two parents who were both rather different, to put it mildly. With to make a very long and sad story very short, both had war and trauma in their past. Which left a huge mark on our family life. Moreover, I was an only child, so couldn't share anything with siblings and so thought it was all part of the deal. In retrospect, I think, maybe that's why the tantrums? When I entered puberty, I more or less resolved, I remember it well, to stop those tantrums, because I saw how much impact my father's had on me and my mother. But well busy I was. Quick to talk and always moving around. Calm down, I was often told. That really annoyed me. I tried, but it was extremely frustrating because I never succeeded, which made me feel even more unhappy. In those days you always played outside in the street, and in the area where I grew up I had everything that nature can offer a person. Forest, meadow, heathland. So I was in nature a lot. And now have something with the sea, in it I can still relax best. Somewhere in the 3rd grade of primary school, the teacher rang the alarm bell with my mother and told me to go to a primary school. My mother managed to prevent that by asking to just give my some extra attention. I don't know whether I was very busy at primary school. What I do know is that I occasionally jumped out of line and had to be called to order. And sometimes sent out of class. But I could look forward to the reading hour, for instance. I read with pleasure and ease at school and also at home! Thinking back on my childhood, I especially remember, the good times, playing with my girlfriends, roaming in nature. But also that I was bullied. I think I did live in my own world after all. But fortunately, from 1st grade onwards, I had a steady friend who lived two streets away and I was basically always there. So if I already had adhd, I think I was able to express myself sufficiently that way.
Difficulty finishing something: no, not really. But I always finished it, sometimes with a lot of effort, but I got it done. I don't really consider myself an artist. After primary school, I went to secondary school, where I very quickly found a regular girlfriend, with whom I was actually always together. She came from a large Indian family, so there was always something to do and fun to be had. So in retrospect, that was a very "safe" environment for me. Together we went on to the Havo summit. Which I experienced as a lot of fun.
Scenario thinkers are always a few steps ahead of others with their thoughts. My head is always full. I often feel agitated and restless: I recognise this again.
Because there are still so many interesting things to do : yes, now in hindsight I realise that I didn't name or realise this at the time but I was hungry for more shall I say. After working as a secretary in a bank for two years, I had seen enough and applied for a job in theatre. As a secretary (I had followed that training after secondary school) but somehow it didn't click between me and those people. I never really understood why, but now I think I might have come across differently because of my adhd? And they are all pretty egomaniacs and emos in that world. Talk about discovering interesting things. Very nice experience but couldn't handle the stress of the irregular hours very well. Yet this adventure also left me wanting more and I applied for a job as a hostess. I was sent to Greece and there I really started to feel at home. Here they were all busy and moving. At least it seemed that way. Of course, there are quiet people here too, but all right.
Difficulty with long-term projects, needed deadlines, was the odd man out from policy staff, tried to avoid meetings or, with an excuse, leave early. But if there was a job I really liked, I had no problem working on it late into the night at home:
I also recognise this as far as it applies. Fortunately, I never had to avoid many boring meetings with excuses. In my Dutch days, however, I had discovered nightlife and was eager to immerse myself in it. There was a period when I often reported sick for work. Perhaps I was playing catch-up, because in my adolescent years my father did not allow me to go out. Yes, until around 10 p.m., but then it only started. But whether this is adhd or not, you often hear stories of adolescents who were kept tight at home and "caught up" later.
focusing, framing and prioritising: well to what extent I can or can't do that, it's never been an issue in my opinion, or I totally "missed" it. And is that why you didn't succeed at certain jobs? My mother did tell me many times that she tried to tell me certain important things, but she said it went in one ear and out the other. So is that daydreaming, being somewhere else?
My children were growing up into adolescents and social workers caught me failing to provide them with enough structure, consistency and boundaries. I was losing control of my family, of my life. Mood swings: Yes this is recognisable.
I worked in the Travel Industry for a long time so, hard work, a lot of hours also a lot of going out and socialising so I was able to express myself well in that too. Right at the start, I met my current husband. It was love at first sight. It lasted for years. I think he also gave me what I was looking for. Happiness, security. I had missed some of that in my childhood years. In retrospect, I realise we both had/have the necessary baggage. Attachment anxiety, separation anxiety. Anyway we ended up having a daughter later in life. In the early years, things went well. He had actually taken on the role of carer with me getting pregnant. He did the shopping and cooking. I cleaned the house. That worked out because I had been set a good example by my mother. So think just copycat behaviour. Along with yet a sense of responsibility towards my family and new role as a mother and housewife. Meanwhile, I had found new work in the music business. A world literally opened up for me. Here I could really express myself so I went with joy! Unfortunately, the menopause started early and with it the mood swings. I fell more and more into depression. My mother died suddenly of a heart attack. Didn't even get to say goodbye. My rock was gone and then I found out that my father had been leading a double life for 40 years and had a girlfriend with a child attached. Process it all. I started drinking more and more. In fact, I had been doing that all my life. I now understand that alcohol makes you feel "better", except the next day but good. Eventually I ended up seeing a psychologist. I thought now I'll find out what's wrong with me. But she initially diagnosed only marital problems. My husband also has his problems because of his past. All in all, I am now 10 years on. I have gone through deep valleys and still suffer a lot from mood swings. The crises in this country do not help at all, of course. And my daughter is going through puberty and I notice that I am not coping well with her. This is also because the concept of parenting is different here and my husband has other ideas as well. So we are often not on the same page.
So officially, there is still no diagnosis. Except that my behaviour is related to problems growing up in my childhood. I have been sleeping badly for years and have been using drugs for that. I have used anti depresieva, but it has never changed much.
So several years ago, when I recognised a lot of adhd for myself, I asked for ritalin or the like. But they are very reluctant to do this because it is therefore under the opium law.
Meanwhile, I just kept looking for myself. new or changed info comes out every year and it's a lot easier via the internet these days. Before the internet era, I devoured a lot of psychological books, looking for... In the distant past, I also had a brain test done by a neurologist. So with one of those hats with electrodes on your head. It didn't reveal much more than that I was sensitive to epileptic seizures. Which I have never had, and I am now 56!
Over the summer, besides being adhd, I did recognise my father as having post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) because he was so deployed to India. So I could be a second-generation victim. Is that it then I thought and not adhd. Besides, symptoms of Borderline are the same as ptsd, so that might explain why I recognised some symptoms of Borderline and so initially doubted adhd or borderline. So I should actually do a thorough research on adhd. But here, no one has adhd and people are more or less accepted as they are. They don't look for labels here and there are no therapies, at least not on the island where I live. Perhaps there are in Athens, in which case I would have to go looking. Dyslexi is now (h)recognised, though. But yes, you have to pay for all these investigations yourself and they are expensive.
I don't experience the diagnosis as an illness, but a lot of quarters are falling: Well, it is often a burden for me because I can't participate well in normal daily life. I have my own "style" and times. I am definitely not a morning person and only get going late in the evening and at night. A style that fortunately suits the work I do. I do notice that I feel most comfortable with people who accept me as I am. And I often find other types of people very boring.
Structure and routine scare me: on the one hand they do on the other, I realise that I do very much need them to function "normally". My mother was very good at that. I realise that I also owe a lot to her good upbringing. But well she realised that there was "something" about me and about my father but what... unfortunately she never knew, but did suffer a lot. But she did try very hard to give me a lot of attention and the best upbringing possible.
Meanwhile, what I mainly diagnose in myself is, insecurity so little self-confidence, quite an inferiority complex and fear of failure. But is that adhd or is it due to wrong, negative reactions from the environment due to ignorance of my otherness or is it due to the transition?
And sleeping badly actually all my life. Something that runs in the family, by the way. My aunt has it and my grandmother had it. Auntie says well that's just the way it is, and tries to live with it that way. She is very anti pill. Although sometimes an aspirin helps her sleep. She also says that it's all down to a person's character and that's more or less the end of the matter for her. Difficult things to do with personality disorders are beyond her. PTSD in my father? Well, she does admit that they went through a lot in India that we don't know about. Anyway, she is almost 90! So I don't think you want to get disordered at that age. But I find that Auntie functions very well with structure and routine. She was lucky enough to marry a very sweet man who mainly did what she wanted. They didn't have children. That would probably have added more turmoil to their structural lives. I honestly suspect her of having add. My mother always said she found my father, and my aunt, so strange. Also me grandmother, but she got along with that, my grandmother had a very sweet nature. Between my mother and my aunt there was no good click.
For now, I just doctor myself by mainly paying close attention to my diet. No junk food and simple products from land and sea. Which, fortunately, still works well here. Furthermore, the sea can really invigorate and relax me. And I use xanax and stilnox as medication, mainly for sleeping. And sometimes when I have to work (which, because of the financial crisis, I now often experience as performing in order to (over)live), so another stress factor, I take half a dose of xanax. Then I am just a bit calmer. So here is my story and I am still not sure whether it is adhd or not. But there is a lot of recognition. My father definitely has it and I think so does his mother, so does my grandmother. And so my aunt probably has add. Because she is very quiet and calm. And recently my niece, my half-brother's daughter, was officially diagnosed as gifted in all areas. They had her tested because she had very bad tantrums. When I first met her, I saw and realised right away that she was "different". I recognised a lot of me in her. I warned brother and sister-in-law not to "reprimand" her too much in a negative way. Because I know how damaging that is to your self-confidence. This also gave me cause to search again, because adhd and giftedness can also go together. And am I perhaps also not gifted in music? What I also recognise myself in practically all symptoms is high-sensitivity. So are we perhaps just New Age children after all? In a more real form, too many stimuli to process and too much to perform in this current society, in which you cannot fall outside the rules and laws of the system because otherwise you "disturb" and the system cannot produce good capital? How many people have not been diagnosed with burnout in recent years. How many people decide not to radically change their hectic stressful lives for something else, and where should they look for it and how can they (over)live from it? Are they all New Age children then. Are we "othernesses" simply less able to cope with this life of consumption and greed, which is already causing the economy to grind to a halt? Maybe this world's life and work system just needs to be changed and people should listen more to the "disruptors" to create a different kind of society where everyone can just be themselves. Because there are more and more other-worldly people coming in. But maybe that is Utopia.
Gosh... this could be my story! Am almost 50 and have known since six months that I have ADD, the pennies fell for me too after diagnosis... very recognisable!
Hihi and mine too recognisable dings, tis that your butt is stuck because otherwise ;-)
Spin ass ;-)
Thank you for sharing